Its been ages since I last posted, so I thought at this perfect moment in my life, I should post something heartfelt and meaningful.
I am now two and half years into social/legal transition. I am seven and half months into testosterone therapy and am less than three months (hopefully) away from chest surgery.
Surgery. There is a big scary word. I keep using the workd surgery as opposed to what actually be said about it. THEY ARE GOING TO CUT ME OPEN AND CUT MY BOOBS OFF. This is the truth, its a life threatening procedure, there is so much that could go wrong, so much that could not work. I think that there is something about surgery that trans people assume its the be all and end all. Its a magical ride where (im paraphrasing from a friend at this point) the surgeons cover you in sparkles and rainbows. You go in a beautiful buxom woman and come out this hunky great beefcake, with rippling muscles and a cock that would make Ron Jeremy jealous. What people don’t see is the years of binding, packing, hiding between the social lines.
Im quite fortunate in the sense that I pass remarkably well now, the T has helped immensely with the voice, the facial hair, the body hair, the sex drive, the fat redistribution, the mental health issues, the social interactions, the drinking, taking care of myself…..etc…..etc…..
What it hasnt done is stopped the emotional heartache I go through. I have (as mentioned before) have cyclothymia and as a result struggle with some situations. However, I have never had the time or the ability to truly come to terms with the abuse I suffered growing up. The constant secrecy of the family, like some grotesque 2 point four children Illuminati, for the family. The rest of the world need not know why there is someone in the world that still to this very day cannot touch steel wool, why there is someone who still flinches when their neck is touched and cannot tolerate silence. Years of therapy failed, suicide bids (thankfully now) failed and I now rely on medication to keep me on an even keel.
Even to this day, my parents staunchly deny that there is anything wrong with me.
One of the things that I will never forget growing up was a conversation I had with my Dad about when I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.
“Why are you taking those? What have you got to be depressed about?”
“What have I got to be happy about?”
They then made a point of hiding my medication, often leading to worse drops in my depression and left me again with a lifelong fear of taking pills. But I still miss them terribly. I long to have a beer with the old man and (dont laugh) go down the bingo with my mum. I miss my brother, of whom I spent so much time, my sister who has two children who will probably never be allowed to spend more than ten minutes alone with me unsupervised. Their father firmly believer that that I am some sort of weirdo that is gonna convert them to my cause.
The truth? My mum still calls me that. She wont acknowledge me in public, unless its to abjectly humiliate me. My dad mocks me and still thinks this is a fucking phase when….when…..there are no words. My sister tries bless her, but she is straddling the fence, when I know when push comes to shove, she’ll always fall on their side. I just want their love. I need to get that out of my head……
This isnt a parental rant. There isnt enough time in the world for me to get all that out.
This is me summing up things.
Im scared. Im absolutely terrified. But equally, I am going to be happy. Even if I die on that operating table, I am still happy.
I wont say I have spent “23 years living a lie” coz I havent. I have spent 23 years finding a part of me that I never thought possible. I have found a part of me that is confident, brave, cock-sure, and soon? Complete.
Bring on the world. Never be afraid to be you. Never let anyone tell you to be someone else. Run into the world like a kid high on on sweets at a disco. The bottom line is folks, you cant get to the end of life and expect to find a save file from the beginning. Play each level of life like its one step closer to Game Over. Because it is.